About Me
“I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.”
The Short.
Over the last 5 years I saw my 21 year marriage slowly fall apart right before my eyes. The harder I tried to keep it together, the worse it got— until I learned what covert narcissism was, and then it all made sense. I have 2 teenage boys who keep me laughing. Oh, and my ex-husband’s dog, which he insisted he had to have, only to leave the dog behind.
I’m sure you have stories like that too!
The Long.
The last few years of my marriage were hell, between the gaslighting and rages behind closed doors. I questioned if I was in fact going crazy. I slowly saw my mental and physical health go downhill and found myself in the Emergency Room with loss of vision, diagnosed as “stress”. I’m grateful to the 3 close friends who work in the mental health field who calmly nudged me to look into Cluster B Personality Traits and Covert Narcissism. I thought I was alone, but the more active I became, I realized nothing could be further from the truth. I hear daily my own story repeated back in the lives of so many others.
I also experienced family and friends who either didn’t understand the gravity of the abuse or didn’t want to acknowledge it. It was easier for them to look the other way. I think it would have been easier to explain to friends and family that I was abducted by aliens and spit out at Area 51, than trying to describe the manipulation and emotional abuse suffered at the direct hands of my “wonderful” husband.
Approaching my divorce I didn’t have a clue what I was doing. I quickly learned the fun term “post-separation abuse” and found a thick community of people suffering the same. I began reading more than I did in college and listening to all the literature I could get my hands on.
Don’t get me wrong, I consumed my share of divorce wine, but slowly started rebuilding. Another new term I learned: “traumatic growth.” Neato.
I look at the abuse and divorce I experienced as a burning house that I was trapped in for more time than I care to admit. Once out of that burning mess I stood on the sidewalk and watched my past up in smoke. I wondered if I could run back into the fire and help others find a way out. I became a Certified High Conflict Divorce Coach and am active locally and on-line with individuals experiencing the loss of the life they once knew.
I have needed to relearn behaviors that originally got me into the marriage I now left.
My kids didn’t evaporate, even though I convinced myself they would at some point during this “season of divorce.” I made lemonade out of the lemons I was left holding — now with a splash of gin and a sugar rimmed glass.